TEN MORE USED CAR SELLING PHRASES TO MAKE YOUR HEART SINK
09 January 2025
- “With this classic, you will be able to cruise down Sunset Boulevard with the top down, radiating in its coolness”. Etc., etc. This is fairly unlikely for a 1967 Triumph Herald 1200 Convertible that has not moved since John Major was the Prime Minister.
- “Benefits from careful handling” - If you take a corner at over 20 mph, the offside tail fin will probably fall off.
- “Tastefully restored and customised” - I have painstakingly removed virtually all the details that made this model unique.
- “Exclusive viewing by appointment only” - The car is lurking in a field on the outskirts of a derelict industrial estate guarded by an ill-tempered Rottweiler. On seeing it, you might think you have wandered into an episode of Inside No. 9.
- “Easily trailered away” - The brakes have corroded to immobility, and an oak tree is growing through the remains of the boot floor. In addition, a blackberry bush occupies most of the interior.
- “This car is a fast-appreciating asset” - I mistakenly bought it two years ago. All I have done since then is apply WD40 to the engine and hand-paint the bodywork. It is now your problem.
- “Runs as sweet as a nut” - For some reason, I try to sound like a minor character from a 1983 edition of Minder when selling a Morris Oxford with bodywork resembling a Venetian blind.
- “The sort of car made famous by film x, y or z” - Said film was responsible for the closure of 100 cinemas within six months of its release. In addition, the car in question appeared for only five minutes before exploding in a very badly executed chase scene.
- “Only a few problems need resolving to make it perfect”, - Starting with the minor issue that it is two different cars welded together: half Mini, half Vauxhall Cresta.
- “Only needs a few finishing touches to make it perfect” - Over the past three years, I have tried to obtain some vital parts from across the UK, Australia, Canada, Cyprus, Malta, New Zealand, and South Africa, to no avail. The car is now your problem.
