Wolseley Running Report

Or what I have learned and experienced over the past twelve months.

i) Panic. Yes, that was the emotion I felt on seeing smoke billow from the radiator grille and the boot last summer when the Wolseley was taking part in a show. Fortunately – and I mean just that – we managed to shut off the engine in a matter of seconds, but one of my thoughts while being trailered home was that the car would be irreparable. Which brings me to –

ii) – Friends. I have the technical knowledge of a bus shelter, so I am indebted to my friend Richard Martin, whose expertise with the BMC ‘Farina’ family is second to none. He also diagnosed the secondary issue of a mouse taking up unofficial lodging in the boot.

iii) £sd. I would describe the Wolseley’s programme as one of gradual improvement, but the smoking incident – a trapped wire in the boot lid was the culprit – accelerated this process. As Richard had to completely re-wire the Wolseley, it made sense to take the opportunity to have a better steering column from Vanden Plas Princess 3-Litre Mk. I installed. In addition, the Wolseley gained a working heater and a power shut-off under the dashboard to prevent the battery from draining. This inevitably meant a certain amount of investment - but then I am the custodian of a sixty-three-year-old car. As for the mouse, Finny the cat was later seen pursuing a small rodent.

iv) Avoiding the nay-sayers. We are not talking about people who give you clear-headed, considered advice derived from years of experience. Instead, we are talking about the grim types encountered by many classic car enthusiasts – those who delight in telling you that your vehicle of choice is certain to fail/explode/encounter the Daleks on the B3055. In my experience, telling them you bought the Wolseley because of Edgar Lustgarten tends to make them disappear. Rapidly.

v) Fantasy and Reality. I did indeed purchase the Wolseley with memories of Mr. Lustgarten’s B-films in mind. Those readers who watch Talking Pictures Television will be familiar with his Scales of Justice series of second features in which Edgar wanderers around various suburbs, telling tales of crime with a sinister relish. I saw such epics screened on Channel Four during the “80s and was most impressed at how the mighty Wolseley often apprehended the villains. Now, I own such a car and am responsible for serving as its custodian.

vi) Not to use the Tannoy to issue Quatermass and the Pit-style warnings. Well, not on weekdays, at any rate.

vii) Or the bell to re-enact Dateline Diamonds.