Ten Remarks You Do Not Want to Hear at Your Local Classic Car Show

20 December 2023

A well-run local car show is one of the joys of the year. But, as many owners will tell you, the main challenge is coping with such remarks as these -

Black car

  1. “These all rusted away” – A. Responding with “Evidently not as you’re looking at my car - one that clearly exists” will not win you much popularity. Which brings us to -
  2. “These all rusted away” – B. Often when referring to a Daimler SP250, a Bond Bug, a Reliant Regal, Robin or Scimitar etc. Do not respond with a short description of your car’s GRP bodywork unless prepared for a Two Ronnies ‘Four Candles’ dialogue. One that will apparently last for several years. A variation of this theme is -
  3. “These were all banger-raced”. No, they were not, but please do not feel the need to elaborate further. It is cold, I want to head to the bookstall, and I am not in the mood for nostalgic recollections of Big Farinas near Ringwood. Then we have -
  4. “That is a Ford Anglia, isn’t it? My dad/ mum/ grandparents/ pet goldfish, etc. used to make those at the Cowley factory in the ‘Seventies”. Beware. Correcting such innocent errors can lead to annoyance from the questioner. Meanwhile, Ford Granda Mk. I owners are frequently faced with –
  5. “They were in The Sweeney”. You could reply, “If you mean the car in the opening credits of Series One to Three, that is the Ford Consul GT”, but do you want to take the risk? In terms of television programmes, the owners of a certain Tamworth-built three-wheeler almost inevitably hear this dread phrase -
  6. “Robin Reliant”. The standard replies are: i) there is no such vehicle, ii) Only Fools used Regal Supervans, and iii) OFH went off the boil after The Jolly Boys’ Outing. As for the owners of a certain Morris-badged car –
  7. “Piano”. Ho. Ho. Gosh, no Marina owner has ever heard that subtle jest. Ditto with the Austin Allegro and -
  8. “Suare Steering Wheel”. It is a line that even Mike and Bernie Winters would have rejected on the grounds of lack of humour.
  9. “I remember these back in the day”. Which precise day – the 20th December 1969? The 4th July 1956? One million years BC?
  10. “That is not a real classic” - a phrase too often heard by the custodians of 1990s cars. You could try to explain that your Ford Mondeo is now 30 years old, while their (insert the name of bygone British marque) was aged just ten when they bought it in 1977. Or you could flee to the coffee stand while the going is good.
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